I have moved....

I wanted everyone to know that I have transfered all of my health and fitness journey and information to "Audra's Journey to transformation" that can be found at http://www.fawnwoodfin.blogspot.com/ and that will be updated several times during the week. This blog will know become my own personal blog in which I write whatever. Thank you!

Chevy Chase Summer Vacation?

This weekend was supposed to be a great mini vaca and so relaxing, but instead turned into a hellacious nightmare! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Chevy Chase movie, waiting for the director to say, "cut!" In his movies all he wants to do is relax and have a good time, but instead there is always chaos, and craziness-I so relate. I was happy that I stayed on target with my food though. It rained all weekend and ruined our chances of going to the beach so we were all bummed. She did have a treadmill so I was able to stay active all weekend. While we were there everyone wanted to go to a Mexican Restaurant, which is my down fall, but I told them I would try. We got there and after talking with the waiter she told me she was watching what she was eating as well and she said that she had some 100 percent whole wheat bagel chips in her purse and counted me out 12 if them bc that was the serving size. So now I could eat some salsa and chips! I ate slowly and enjoyed every bit. Then I looked at the menu and decided I would have to make a special order. So I asked for a salad with only lettuce and a serving of guacamole and put salsa on top of it and had a salad. It felt so good to stay on track with my plan and still be able to enjoy my salad and my time with family. I am extremely tired this morning bc I am having trouble staying asleep. I believe I have sleep apnea from being overweight, Regurdless please keep me in your thoughts and prayers because I have been sleep deprived for a couple of days now and I am so sluggish and tired. Have a great Monday!

TGIF

I am so excited today!
I got up for my walk this morning and went on my morning walk. I was sad bc I didnt have my mp3 player but I have so much to do before I leave to go out of town this afternoon that I just ran all my to-do's in my head and prayed as I walked. What a beautiful morning! The sky here in Alabama looked purty as ever! PREPARATION is key in your goals towards weight loss. All of us stay so busy so I have found that at night once the kids go to sleep I start planning for the next day. I get out veggies and fruit and cut them up and seperate them into plastic baggies. I set out anything that needs to be thawed and I make sure I have everything I need so there will not be a panic the next day. If I have to have something I just run to the store and get it so it will be ready. For those of you wandering no I would NOT leave the kids by themselves, they would have their daddy and nana there. I love going to the store late at night, there is hardly any one there so I dont have to worry about running into ppl I know and would rahter avoid with my situation being what it is. I feel that ppl are examining my food cart. It makes me feel so weird to talk to ppl who are thin and I feel so uncomfortable especially in the grocery store. They are for the most part very friendly I would just rather not engage in a conversation. I feel much better when I can go and it not matter I look a hot mess form a long eventful day with the kids. Of course I have been looking a real hot mess lately. My hair always up and sweating like a hog roasting on the fourth of july. Let me just say for those of you who are not blessed to live here in the deep south...it is hot, humid, and sticky. I don't mind the hot, it's the sticky and the high hunidity that bothers me, but oh well it's liveable-thank God for air conditioning!! so anyway going back to preperation-it is VITAL to your success. I am going out of town this afternoon for the weekend to Mobile to see my husbands family. They have not seen the kids in 2 years so we are going dowm there. travis' aunt and cousin have monogram machines and they make clothes so I am hoping they have some treats for me! I am geting some clothes from his cousin for Hannah and taking my kids to the beach for the first time! I hope they love it. I know me and my mother in law will! I haven't been to the beach in years! I didn't want to go and look like a whale that got washed up on the beach. It is NOT fun going to the beach as a big girl..you see all these beautiful women with beautiful bodies in beautiful swim suits and you look at yourself in your big t-shirt and stretchy pant capris with a weggie you need to dig out from bending down and playing with the kiddos and you think God, please don't let my children draw any attention over here. So you wear sunglasses and a hat to kind of "hide" yourself from ppl. I mean I am not trying to be hard on myself YOU KNOW how ppl are especially at the beach-I am not being paranoid! They are always making dun of fat ppl-all the time. So that is why I am deathly afraid of going there this weekend but I am doing it for the kids. So I have packed a cooler with water and fruit and veggies and turkey wraps and am eating like normal today and we are going to the grocery store when we get there to get our dinner and Saturdays food and Sunday. I want to be ready for anything. I hope that you all have a wonderful friday!

Thursday

Good Morning to everyone!
I woke up this morning and was ready to get my walk on! I love my mp3 player because I feel that it helps me to keep going. I downloaded some songs from exercisemusic.com and I love hearing the beats and trying to match my walking with the beats of the music corny-I know. I am so sad though, becuase as I was almost done with my walk it somehow fell and out of my pocket and now it is broke!! I am now sitting here sippin in my water and fixing to decide what I am going to eat for breakfast....Hmmm I think I will go with the oatmeal and berries and a piece of toast. There is nothing like some healthy carbs and some warm oatmeal after a workout. Have you ever noticed the difference you feel when you start to eat healthy and your body likes it? It is kind of like your body is saying,"thank-you" and for that let me take some of this fat from you. It is a win-win. Is it easy to give up on the foods you used to always eat NO as a matter of fact I would LOVE a butterfinger. But, I know that if I eat it, I will feel terrible physically and mentally. The taste is only for a second and then what? you ate that sugar infested fat bar and then you will start to feel bad about yourself for eating it. It just is not worth it. I used to think I could not make it through the day without a coke, but I have and after you research the damaging effects that drinking soda and even diet soda have on your body, you will quickly learn to love your water even more. I squeeze lemon into my water and I love lemons. The smell, the taste, which is a good thing bc lemons cleanse and they are good fo your liver. Your liver is so important and taking care of that will help you towards your weight loss goals. FYI: If you are going to try to run, make sure you have comfortable shoes. I might need to go get some inserts today bc my feet are killing me. I hop this day finds you well and blessed. Take care

Hump day

I LOVE Wednesdays-I always have. Ever since I was a little girl I looked forward to going to church on wednesdays. I started out my amazing morning with my cardio..You would think that I would find it a little easier to do the treadmill today but nope...I almost couldn't get the inclines done today my calves-sp? felt so sore that wach step I took- I could feel the stretch and pull. My energy levels today were a little drained but I think that is from being up half the night with my kids trying to sleep in the bed with me and tossing and turning. I have noticed how the healthy carbs do give you a little boost if eaten about 30-40 minutes before a workout. I also notice that when I add green leafy veggies to a meal it seems to perk me up a bit. I have to admit that now, I love my home-ade peanut butter and I want to eat in on EVERYTHING, but I can't. I have to make it at least one of my snacks a day! I have seemed to notice that apples seem to also give a little energy as well. The more fruits, grains, beans and veggies I have the less I crave the junk. I do not find myself feeling starved or deprived at all but I credit that to the diet being balanced and the WATER! I am fixing to go on my walk and I can't wait-hopefully it will wind me down and I can get some much needed rest! Healthy and Prosperity to you...MUAH

SUNDAY FUNDAY

What is in store for us today? Well I got up and went for a run, which actually felt really good. I need to find one of those jogging strollers maybe at a yeard sale or something so I can take Hannah in the afternoons. I love Sundays! I am going to relax and cuddle up with the kiddos on the couch and make it a movie day! Take the time to thank God for all you have and to be greatful for the people in your life! Tonight I will go on a another walk so I want to encourage you if you have been wanting to get out and do it-do it. Find someone to walk with and go for it. I wish everyone a great Sunday and may you be blessed.

Friday 8-20

Hey yall! This morning started out a little rough as I HATE the bike. It to me is the hardest. It was really bad because I am hurting from chafing. I mean can I big girl get a break? My thighs rubbed togehter until they are so sore and rubbed raw. I will NEVER wear panties to work out in again!! That is terrible when you have to stop working out and go to the bathroom to see what the deal is. The sweat mixed with the friction of the movement makes for a bad outcome. I found out there is something called a chaf stick and I bought one of those. I also had to get some compression shorts and I think those together will work, it just to hard to tell right now bc I am already hurt. So while I was riding the bike I had put band-aids in where I was hurt and they keep trying to come off while I was cycling. It was embarassing having to stop try to re adjust and trying to be discreet. On a more comical note to you, it is hard for a big guh to see her sores when your stomach is in the way. So I know that I must have looked a hot mess in trying to look and see where I needed to put that neosporin and band aids and I am so glad that my husband didn't walk in to see me like that. Thank you to all who support me. Peace

Thursday 8-19

Ok let me start off by saying that yesturdays workout made me want to go to the spa and hide there for days to get pampered! I could barely get through my routine, I did it but I thought I was going to fall over! It felt like someone had tied weights to my legs and I was making them move, but it took everything I had to get done. Then I went in the sauna and sat in there for about 10 minutes...I know it;s crazy hot this summer and I don't need a sauna bc all I have to do is go outside and start pouring, but it feels good and sweating is how some toxins exit the body. Then later I went swimming and swam laps. Tonights walk felt really good when I was done. Peace to all

Oh man! These past two days the cardio has been kicking my butt. I struggled yesturday to the point I had to lower the incline on the treadmill and I was just so tired and my legs felt like I had weights on the bottom of them. The walk I had that night felt really good though and I was tired but it was a good tired. I did not sleep good last night. I am experiencing things that had been making me anxious and it really affected me last night, that is what I get for not giving it to God like I needed to. I struggled through todays workout BUT I did it and then I had to go get some boxes and tape to start packing up what we are putting up in storage. So many thoughts are running through my mind like how did we get to this point and where do I go from here and why is it that I always seem to get myself in situations to where my emotions are out of control? Maybe my hormones are raging because my body thinks I am supposed to be pregnant..don't know. What I do know is that I have changed since alot of people have seen me. I am not the same person that I used to be and I hate it when people bring up your past and they say things like, well remember when you said that...or you did do...I know we have all done and said things we regret and wish we never did, so why can't people leave those things alone? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if all these things weren't going on at the same time or didn't bring up so many emotions that I stuffed down along time ago. Lately I have been feeling like the little girl who got dressed up and tried to get her dad's attention by twirling in her dress so maybe she could get some affection or attention. But the attention she gets is being told to sit down and don't get your clothes dirty, not what she wanted-the desperate affection she was wanting and waiting for. The simple words of you look pretty today or I love you. Maybe looking for the words you mean everything to me or I want you to know how special you are. So she feels shameful and embarrased that maybe she was not deserving and maybe there is something wrong with her but she don't deal with it because the pain is too much to bear so she just stuffs it down deep inside to that place in her heart that no one sees. Eventually that approval that she was so desperate to seek turns into resentment and bitterness and she still keeps stuffing those feelings deep down. She gets older and she starts dating, she falls for someone and she is so young and immature that she says things in the relationship and destroy any chances of even being friends with them, then she again feels shameful and lonely so once again she just keeps stuffing it down. She makes bad choice after bad choice and she dates any guy that will tell her he cares for her or loves her only to find herself giving her purity away to someone who couldn't possibly know the meaning of love, let alone demonstrate it to her and she is left alone, used and forgotten-those feelings get buried below all the others. She begins to really not care about herrself and she don't even care about what happens to her and all the sudden the choices she makes begin to not even effect her anymore. She goes from one bad relationship to another seeking and hoping to find what she's been looking for. She ends up getting married and having children. She is happy and feels blessed and she starts to feel again and things start to look up. Then after many disappointments she gives up, she comes to the realization that there HAS to be something wrong with her! She stuffs all that deep inside and she goes to church and she gets involved and because of her being hurt, she lashes out at people and she gossips and she says things she really don't mean-but she is so miserable and she really didn;t mean to hurt anybody, but she did. So she feels ashamed and so frusterated-how could she let herrself behave that way and say those things, so she begins to question who she is. THEN she really starts searching for God and she begins to allow Him in her heart and let Him guide and direct her. Finally there is someone who understands her pain, who gets her hurts and who has been there through it all. He lets her know that He has approved of her since the beginning and all He wants is a relationship with her. He wants to let her know that He wants to heal the places in her heart where all the buried junk is. He wants to mend the broken pieces and shape them into something beautiful. He waits on her and can't wait to hear what she has to say and loves for her to talk and sing to Him. He tells her that she is worthy and valuable and that He loves her more than she can imagine. He tells her to forgive and to love and to dance and to sing and do it unto Him. Finally I can be me! He cares to know the real me and he desires for me to be with Him. So this little girl has found her approval and is taking the time to sit in her daddy's lap and let him rock her to sleep and let Him take me by the hand and work on the issues we have to work on to be on the way to where I need to be. There comes a time when you just have to let it all go and give it to your daddy. He wants to heal you and make you whole. So if you are reading this and you are hurting I urge you to give it to Him-He is eagerly waiting on you....I love you all thank you for letting me share my heart.

Lonely

Hey yall!
So as of yesturday I have officially lost 11 pounds! I am completely blown away by the love and support that I have been getting, it is amazing. In a sense almost feels too good to be true. I knew that people cared about me before, but I guess in a sense I have been so numb emotionally that it is so hard to let people in. I know that right now I am so open and exposed for everyone to see and quite vulnerable, it makes me a little nervous, but I am trusting God. I have been praying for divine connections and for me to be connected with the people that God would have me to be connected to for this season in my life, it is just so hard to trust. For some reason I COMPLETELY trust my coach, otherwise I would have never started this with her. She is one of those people that you see right through-she is pure and genuine and has the biggest heart of gold.She is a modern day "Mother Teresa" I know I can completely trust her and she won't let me down. I trust Mel becuase of the same reasons, pure, genuine and good hearted-love it! Pretty much other than that I am working on tearing this wall down that I have built up. My heart wants to believe that people care and love me but my brain is like "no-you know what happens every time" Letting your guard down is so hard. My heart is so fragile and while I have given God all the broken pieces to be put back together,but I know it will take a while. My heart hurts so bad, it is an aweful feeling when people that are supposed to be close to you-don't believe in you. When you have been put down so many times and talked about. When people say that you used to be pretty-it hurt so bad. I have had "friends" talk about my weight to other people and I never told them that I knew or how it felt but it was terrible. I completely withdrew myself from them emotionally and don't really talk to them anymore. It made me feel like I am a nobody or nothing and that I wan't valuable to other people while I was fat, that is how they made me feel.Until I reached out to Fawn, I honestly felt alone and like nobody was here for me. I do not have a "bff" or anybody that is really close to me that sees the real me, bc I am afraid they would take and kill whatever was left. I love my husband, but emotionally I am a mess from our relationship. I have just never felt more alone, and dark until Fawn came into my life again. I have been giving Jesus all of me and He is working on me, especially with the trust. Mentally the past two weeks I am feeling better about going out in public-not a whole lot but the fact that I know I am working out and changing makes me hold my head up a little higher. I feel accomplished and I don't mind parking further away from the school to walk him in. I don't run out of breath anymore coming back to the car! I still have a problem with speaking to men and most women. Men are a real struggle for me, while women are more hateful and cut-throat, men make me nervous. I hate the media for that. They are always talking about celebrities that have gained 5lbs and taking pictures calling them fat and pointing out thier flaws, and trying to put these "idealistic" views of how women should look and I hate that! I have already told yall that I have tried all those diets and weight loss pills, but this time I am doing the real, natural way, which is eating a portioned, balanced diet, and exercise. In the past I would try. but quit when something came up or I just didn't think I could do it. What a big difference the support has made! When you have people behind you rooting for you and telling you can do it and they are proud-it makes you feel proud and unstoppable! I know I won't quit this time! Knowing you have peole watching you and counting on you can really keep a girl from messing up. I HAVE to do this-it's not an option. If I don't I would look like a horses butt and I would disappoint alot of people. Not to mention how embarassing it would be-since half of Prattville knows what I am doing!! I will do it though-and THANK YOU to all of you that support me. I REALLY appreciate you and LOVE you so much! If it wasn't for you, I probably would have quit by now or at least not done as good. I still am wearing my stretch pants-so I have not really noticed a difference in my clothes. I have grown to love my stretch pants bc that is pretty much what I have worn the past 4 years! When I start really packing the pounds off I am going to just borrow whatever size I am in from somebody until I reach my goal. Then my mom said she would buy me some clothes! FYI I used to always go to VS to get their bras and panties when they had sales or what not-they don't carry big guh sizes and no nursing bras-I guess they don't consider that sexy. Another disadvantage of being big is not being able to find a comfy bra to hold those huge suckers up-I hate shopping for a bra. It is terrible, they are all uncomfortbale you get discouraged and you want to go eat a pizza afterwards!! Not anymore though. So even when I do get to my goal weight and I have the money to spend I will not go to that store! I had a fun Sunday Funday yesturday I took the kids swimming and we relaxed all day. Sundays are great-they are supposed to be days of rest and relaxation and to reflect on the past week and prepare for the next one. I hope you all have a great day. I will upodate my fitness for today later this afternoon! love ya

I know that you are for me!

What got me here? D-E-N-I-A-L! Denial is what got me to 270 pounds and size 22 britches. I needed a wake up call; I needed someone to rattle me for me to realize that just because I chose to bury my emotions with food they would still there-unresolved, and more complicated because of the effects of the emotional eating on top of everything else. Festering emotions and stress due to unresolved conflict are often the root of weight issues. It is sad, but the food acts as a temporary buffer between you and your emotions. It numbs the feelings.I have always had this emotion dependancy on food, even as a child-it just didn't effect my weight until my senior year Whether the emotions still exist or not once you've grown up, the habits of emotional eating remain. So it is learning how to break the cycle and focusing in your mindset. It's about renewing your mind with what God says about you. He said I am fearfully and wonderfully made and He loves me and has a plan and a purpose for me and knew me before I was in my mother's womb! If he cares so much about the flowers and the animals-how much more is his love for us! I love the song by Kari Jobe-I know that you are for me. It is amazing-and so true. Listen to it and you will see. I will be back later to blog about my fitness....Later A

Woke up this morning to barking dogs and couldn't go back to sleep, so I went on ahead to go for a walk. I have already mapped out the neighborhood with the car so I would know how far I had gone, and today I went 3 miles.It was difficult and the way I mapped it out I have to climb uphill twice and honestly I didn't know if I would make it today, but I had to. It was either sit there or walk back home. The hill was so hard for me, my thighs were burning and tightening and I had to just keep telling myself that I will feel great when I actually get done. It makes it a little easier to workout when I use my mp3 player. I downloaded upbeat workout music on there and for some reason the music helps. Today my am workout will be the treadmill 1 minute incline then 1 minute recovery and keep doing that for about asn hour. FYI:the warmup and the cooldowns are important and are vital to making sure you have an effective workout. I also have been making sure to stretch before AND after. I also make sure to take my 64oz. water bottle and drink plenty while I workout. It really helps alot. I can tell a difference. It is nice to workout at the y becuase you can watch tv and it makes it easier to let the time fly while you're ]watching t.v. This morning I had
¾ cup of oatmeal made with water (Quaker raw oats)
½ cup of berries
1 tbsp ground flax seeds 80
1 whole egg + 1 egg white

Calories = 360
This breakfast seems to perk me up a little bit. I donlt know if it's because of the egg and the oatmeal mixed together or not but I am all for it. I also find it very helpful to eat before I do the am workout about 45 minutes to an hr before I go. Then about an hour after my workout I eat a snack and I think I can feel a difference in my body as far as the way I feel for the rest of the day. The more you workout and eat the right foods at the right time and stay hydrated the better your days feel-you will be tired from your workouts but its a GOOD tired. I also love lemon and have been squeezing it in my water without stevia and it gives it a fresh taste. I am trying to not use any table salt an instead I am using spices and lemons and limes and herbs to flavor my food. Another helpful hint: Green leafy vegetables are extremely low in calories and are RICH in vitamins and mineral and that is a plus! Some fruits and vegetables low calorie content make them easy to put in your diet and easier to lose weight. I know it's friday and everybody will be going out-so have fun and be careful out there. Drive safe-and remember if you choose to drink, do not drive! I wish everybody a great weekend!

Bike Workout

So this morning I was so wore out. I did not get a full nights sleep and I walked 3 miles early this morning. Then later I got my bike on! This is what I am doing on the bike for my workout. I start with 5 minutes on easy at about level 2 then I go 2 minutes on level 4 and 3 minutes on level 5 so then I do:
10 seconds hard
60 seconds recover
15 seconds hard
60 seconds recover
20 seconds hard
60 seconds recover
20 seconds hard

and then I do 15 minutes on about 3.
Today in the beginnig I couldn't do it at 4 for 3 minutes...I had to do it at 2 and 3. I think its from feeling bad yesturday but to make up for it it is going to be a walk-run combo tonight...pray for me please!

Peace, Audra

live and learn and don't buy spanx!

oK I am juat wandering what in the world was I thinking when I bought some Spanx from Lane Bryant. I bought them a couple months back to wear for interviews and church. Good lawd, I put them on today but me and the spanx were fighting. Ok first of all they DO NOT work I mean I am no idiot i didn't expext them to make me look skinny when I bought them, but good grief just being able to zip my pants would have been nice and I would have been hitting the mark. Second they are not worth the trouble! It is worse than when you are trying to fit in a pair of pants and you lay on the bed squirming around like a fish out of water tring to squeeze them on, I mean seriously, by the time I got the dang things on this morning I was exhausted! So my advise is do not buy them, dang marketing companies I am sure you sit back enjoying your profits and getting your jollies from making fat girls look silly. OK so now that I am done with my rant on that...yesturday I felt like poo and was sickly so I didn't eat I just drank water all day and I had NO ENERGY-bummer. Today is a new day and I am sure the energy will return! I did go for a 3 mile walk EARLY this morning, but I have to step it up and I will be doing my bike workout later in the morning and tonight I think instead of doing a 45 minute fast walk I will attempt to go an hour and 15 minutes! I will definately let you know what I did and how it went.In my quiet time this morning I was reading about Peter and Jesus when Jesus walked on water. As he was approaching the boat where the disciples were, they were asking what is that and then they realized it was Him. Peter asked him Lord if it's really you tell me to come out on the water. SO Jesus told Him to come and he was walking on water UNTIL he took his focus off JEsus and paid attention to the wind blowing. That is so true for us today! Satans plans are to bring distrations to take our focus off of Jesus and onto our problems. Stand up and speak to your storm-Tell your storm who your God is! Stay focused on Him. Love you all, Audra

Count your blessings name them one by one

Hey everyone!
I hope this blog finds you all doing well.

It is so easy to get caught up in the frusterations of every day life like when kids are fighting, complaining, and whining. They won't be quiet and still in the grocery cart and they are talking too loud in public. You look at the long list of things to do and homework that that was due yesturday-and get overwhelmed! Thats why your quiet time with God is so important. You have to take that time to re-connect and re-focus and reflect. It is good to buy a journal or create your own private blog to track your thoughts and record what all God has done for you and the prayers He has answered. I spent time in mine and I need this reminder, to come and see what God has done; to take notes on His goodness to me. I am so forgetful. I want to remember more than I forget. To record what He has done before I move on and leave the past in the past, as I am able to do. I dont want to be like a spoiled child that says "what have you done for me lately?" I want to be the kind of child who is thankful for eveything and praise even when I feel like crying. It is good to stop and remember instead of rushing into my list of needs. I have some hard times ahead. My husband has been out of work for 8 months now because of the decline of the economy and it is forcing us to move and move in with my parents. I am no thrilled about it, but instead of whining and complaining I am choosing to be greatful! I am thankful that not only do I have parents that live on the same city I do but they are willing to let us move in. You can always find the positive in a negative situation. I thank God for the job he is going to provide and for being so gracious to my family. Thank God that as believers we don't rely on the worlds economy but rather on God's economy. He is my Jehovah Jireh(my provider)and with Him I can do everything. My morning workout was on the elliptical 45 minutes. PM-1 hr. fast walk

Thank you to all of you that support me-I really appreciate you!

One week down!

Ok yall, I just finished my first week and I have to say it was interesting to say the least! One of my morning workouts was on the bike, I must have looked a hot mess because this woman asked me if I was okay, and I said yep, she was like "are you sure?" I reassured her I was fine and she kept telling me it was okay and I could stop. That is when I informed her "Oh no mam, I can't" besides you don't know my coach! I have noticed a bit of difference in my energy levels. I am able to clean and do tasks around the house longer without takong as many breaks and I can walk further and longer! So that right there alone is worth the hard work. As I mentioned previously this journey is also about healing emotionally and spiritually as well. So I am keeping myself pretty busy. Caden starts school tommorow and Micah will start preschool next week. I start Fall Semester at Troy tommorow and I am officially a junior now! Woo hoo! If you are wanting to see how much weight I lost this week, you can find it on on Fawn's Page!

It's all about the climb! Day 7

Sometimes when you are down and out it gets so easy to get caught up in being negative. Being negative is damaging it changes and alters your attitude, your feelings and your sense of well being. There is something about being miserable that makes a person do and say things and act in ways they shouldn't and later wish they could take back. You know the old saying "misery" loves company." Negative influences and negative people have got to leave your life. There is no way to succeed if you surround yourself around negative people. I know, because before I became really serious about turning my life around, I would get in these deep, dark moods of depression and I was hurting so bad that I would say and do whatever I wanted and didn't care what anybody thought. Then guilt and condemnation would haunt me and torment me to make me feel even worse than I did before.It is an ugly cycle that we can get caught up in. I was not always like that and these moods didn't normally last long, but when they came they were as destructive as a tornado. First, let me say that PRAISE GOD there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus! His blood covers our sins and our transgressions. All we have to do is come to him with sincere remorse and ask him for forgiveness and He forgives us and "remembers our sins no more" The Word says they are moved as far as the east is form the west. What a loving and compassionate God we serve! Our daddy want us to be whole and wants us to succeed! So if you are spending time and surrounding yourself around people who are negative then you need to quit hanging out with them. It is a must if you want to change your life. You will eventually become like the people you hang out with. So I have chosen to be around positive people who love life and want to make a difference. People who want to be world changers and help others to fullfill thier hopes and dreams. I now believe that "try" is not a word for me anymore. Try to me now means "I'll see about it." So now its either you do it or you don't do it, and if you choose to do it and you mess up-you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and do it again and again and again until you succeed. We need to learn to let go of the past, the past IS the past, and it needs to be left there, can't change it, let's learn from it and move on! We waste so much time regretting the past and worrying about the future. The future is not here yet, it's what happens in the NOW that will determine your future. It's NOW that makes the difference. If I want to lose weight and be healty, I have to make choices today-in the NOW that later will produce the healthy me in the FUTURE. The future is just a consequence of all the choices we make in the NOW. We can change NOW, we can change our way of thinking NOW. I have spent way too much time focusing on the "future me" instead of focusing on the NOW me. It's all about the journey and the climb there. Can I do it? Yes I can, one choice and one day at a time. You have got to have good support and you have got to be dtermined and motivated. Keep the Faith! Love you guys, Audra

Eats:
Breakfast:1 piece whole wheat toast
1 tbsp peanut butter (not heaping spoonful, exact tablespoon)
3/4 cup of strawberries
3 egg whites
Calories= 315


Snack:¾ cup Non Fat Cottage Cheese 120
½ cup pineapple (fresh not canned) 40
8 almonds 56
Calories=216


Lunch:Chicken Salad Sandwich/wrap
4 oz chopped grilled chicken 150
2 teaspoons mustard 10
8 almonds chopped 56
Celery
1 small tomato 20
1 piece whole wheat bread or whole wheat wrap 120
1 small piece of fruit or ½ banana 50
Calories=406


Snack:1 cup of fat free milk 90
1 piece whole wheat toast 100
½ tbsp peanut butter 50
Calories=240


Dinner:Spaghetti
¾ cup whole wheat noodles (cooked) 130
½ cup spaghetti sauce 40
4 oz leanest ground beef or 4oz lean ground turkey or 4oz chicken 150
1 cup green beans (no butter) 44
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
Calories=404


Snack:Smoothie
1 cup frozen berries 80
1 cup fat free milk 90
2 tbsp flax seed 70
Calories=240

Today was Sunday Funday and we went swimming and tonight we are going for a short walk.

Insanity Day 6

You know I was thinking about the meaning of Insanity-"to cointinue doing what you have been doing and expecting different results." You can not expect to put in just a little bit of work or just a little bit of effort and expect BIG changes. No it's going to take hard work, determination, motivation, encouragement, and one heck of a will. Losing weight is not generally easy for anybody that is overweight, if it was easy, none of us would be big! I don't think the almost do-able parts will last long because as soon as your body gets used to you being active you will begin to enjoy it. The treadmill made me feel like my legs were gonna rip off from my body, but I made it. I have to remember that "nothing taste as good as being thin feels" and that it's not that I can never have some of those things that I have loved but eventually I can put a little bit of those things back in my diet. It's about moderation, portion control, and self control. Its learning to tell yourself no, and bringing balance to your life. Nothing worth having in this life comes easy! It's hard and Jesus never promised us it would be easy, He promised us he would never leave us! What you eat is so important, because you can do hard workouts and still not lose weight if you are not eating healthy, balanced meals. It's about living and learning, and Fawn has made me see that it's not so much about the destination as it is embracing and enjoying and living the journey. The journey is where I learn and where I am changing, it's where the beauty is. I have added the song that is most relevant to my life right now."My defenses hit the ground and they shatter all around-so open and exposed. But I have strength in this struggle, Im coming face-to-face with my troubles, When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore. Evey tear falls down for a reason, Don;t you stop believing in yourself-when you're broken! Hitting Walls and making scars only makes you who you are. There is beauty in the breaking."

My eats for today were:
Breakfast:
¾ cup oatmeal Quaker raw oats
1 tbsp flaxseeds in oatmeal
2 pc. Turkey bacon
½ banana or med apple
Calories= 300


Snack:1 cup Nonfat/NO SUGAR Greek Yogurt 120
½ tbsp Peanut Butter 50
½ banana 50
Calories=220


Lunch:Grilled Chicken Salad
1 cup spinach 30
1 small tomato 20
¾ cup of rice or black beans 150
4 oz grilled chicken 150
1 teaspoon olive oil 50
1 tbsp Balsamic vinegar 30
Calories=430


Snack:½ Can of Tuna in Water 60
Spinach
Tomato slices
2 tsp mustard 10
1 piece whole wheat toast 120
Calories=220


Dinner:
Burger (no bun) with Sweet Pot Fries
4 oz lean ground turkey patty or lean ground beef patty 150
Mustard 10
Spinach 10
Small tomato 20
5 oz sweet potato or 5 oz sweet potato fries (bake with ½ teaspoon olive oil drizzled on and peeled) 170
1 cup green beans 50
Calories=410


Snack: Larabar

Workout:
AM- 45-60 min Easy Pace on Treadmill PM- 45 min. fast walk

Day 5

It's Friday Baby!

Today was an emotional day! I got my feelings hurt today and for a couple minutes thought I was ready to give up, I was upset and just wanted to go eat. But after I vented to the camcorder I calmed down and came back to my senses. This is the first time ever that I didn't chase my emotions down with food! Thank God for the camera and to some wonderful people supporting and backing me. If not for Mel and Fawn and their faith and belief in me, I probably would havbe given up today. It does my soul good to know that there are people who genuinally, really care about me and care about what happens to me. It is thier encouragement that keeps me going. I refuse to give up on myself and I know that now people are counting on me and I can't let them down. So yeah Caden had his meet the teacher today and when the other parents started coming in there I just wanted to hide under one of those tables. There were some moms in their that were pretty and thin and I felt like I didn't even want to look at them and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Then it dawned on me, maybe thats why my child is so shy, maybe its because if me. Maybe he watches the way I am around people and it has just mimiced my behavior! Oh no! So anyway I also have some decisions to make that are difficult and I just want to get me and my kids to a day when there is peace and love and stillness. I realize now that people in America are addicted to food like alcholics are addicted to alcohol, and druggie is addicted to drugs. It is a real struggle, it an epidemic and it's killing people. When I lay down at night I feel how hard my heart is pumping and working to do it job and it scares me. If you really knew me you would now that I have to do this, because I beleive it's about life and death and its all about quality of life. If I don't do this i would be cheating my children and cheating myself, and cheating all the people God has lined up for me to minister to and help. I also value the relationship I have developed with Fawn and never want to hurt her. So I made it through 5 days! Thank you Jesus! Anyway this is what was on my mind today. So what did I eat and what did I do:

Breakfast:¾ cup of oatmeal made with water (Quaker raw oats)
½ cup of berries
1 tbsp ground flax seeds 80
1 whole egg + 1 egg white

Calories = 360


Snack:Smoothie
1 cup fat free/no sugar greek yogurt (get this at whole foods) 120
1/2 cup frozen berries 40
8 almonds 56
½ cup fat free milk 45
Calories=260


Lunch:Turkey Wrap
Whole Wheat Tortilla- 120 calorie wrap or less
4oz turkey breast lunchmeat (low sodium if can) 120
2 teaspoons mustard 10
1/2 cup spinach 20
Tomato 15
1/4 of an avocado 55
Small apple 50
Calories=400

Snack:1 cup of fat free milk 90
1 piece whole wheat toast 100
½ tbsp peanut butter 50
Calories=240


Dinner:Ground Turkey or Ground Beef Scramble
4 oz lean ground turkey or lean ground beef 120
½ cup peppers sautéed in 1 teaspoon olive oil 70
¾ cup rice 150
1/6 avocado 40
1 small tomato 20
Calories=400

Snack:Larabar

Workout:AM-(35min) 5 min. warm up then 1 on and 1 off/ 1 min. steep incline walk followed by 1 min. recovery walk
PM- 30 min fast walk

Day 4

Hey yall!
I know I blogged yesturday but I left out my meal plan and fitness, so here goes
Breakfast:
1 egg 1 egg white 90
½ cup of spinach 20
½ cup bell peppers 20
½ cup of brown rice 100
1 teaspoon Olive Oil-40
Small apple-50
Calories= 320

Snack:Larabar

Lunch:
Peanut Butter/Banana Sandwich and Salad
2 tbsp peanut butter or 2 tbsp almond butter 200
½ banana 50
1 piece of whole wheat toast 120
1 cup spinach 30
1 small tomato 20
1 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar 15
Calories=430


Snack:¾ Cup Cottage Cheese (Nonfat) 120
½ cup of berries or 1 small peach 50
½ tbsp almond butter or 8 almonds 56
Calories= 226

Dinner:Chicken Stir Fry
1 cup stir fry veggie medley (should have broccoli, water chestnuts, peppers etc) 40
4oz chicken 150
½ cup mushrooms 25
1 teaspoons olive oil 50
¾ cup brown rice or quinoa 150
Calories=415


Snack:2 Boiled Eggs- 160
2 rice cakes-plain or small piece of fruit or mini whole wheat bagel around 70 calories
Calories=230

Workout:AM-on elliptical 45-60 min Easy Pace PM- 45 min. fast walk

Relentless

The past has a good way of coming back and biting in you in the butt. I have made my fair share of mistakes and bad choices. I did a lot of stupid things and things that I am embarrased of and ashamed of, but I also have done a lot of good. I tried to help others and be a blessing and a help to those in need. I used to say that, "I wish I could go back, and I would have never done that!" Or "why oh why did God allow me to do that stupid, stupid thing." One of the great things about God is that he is a gentleman and He will not force Himself on you. He will not make you have a relationship if you are not ready for one. It is all about free will and choices. He loves you and chooses you, but you have to choose and invite Him in. So therefore God had nothing to do with the things in my past that I terribly regret because they were all me and my choices I made.I know the whole time he was there and trying to tell me don't do that, don't chose that. I believe that when we make mistakes and we hurt that He hurts too! We are his children and no parent wants their child to be hurting. I know that it kills me when my children are hurting. I am so trying to be the "helicopter" mom. I just can't stand the thought of someone hurting any of my children's feelings. In reality I know that I can't control life or everything that happens to them. Getting hurt is apart of life, I just wish that they never go through some of the pain and heartache I have.I want to be the kind of mom that the kids are proud of and they can talk to about anything, without worrying about me freaking out or judging them. I want them to feel like there is nothing they can't tell me and I want them to trust me with thier heart. I am sure there are alot of things I will not approve of but being open and understanding and respectful of them and thier thoughts and feelings will make a big difference. I agree with parents when they say that thier children have go to show them respect. I definately demand respect from my children. But so many times the parents forget the other part of that and that is that children deserve respect as well. They deserve to be heard and they deserve a voice. I want my children to be brilliant and ask questions because that is how they learn. I hate it when parents say "just because I said so" I have said it before but only after I have tried to explain the why to them and they refuse to listen, but I say it like this,"because I am your mom, and I know what is best for you." Kids learn best when things are explained to them. I also really don't talk baby talk to them becuase I wanted them to fully grasp what I am saying. These are just some of life's lessons that I am still trying to figure out. It has challenged me to be different, to not make the same mistakes and to grow and learn from each of the decisions that I made that were wrong. Without mistakes we wouldn't realize God's mercy and his grace. God loves for us is inmeasurable and that kind of relentless love and pursuit of passion that he chases us with is the kind of love we wished we had for each other. Just some random thoughs...I love you all my brothers and sisters in Christ..May God bless you exceeding above abd beyond what you can think of and even imagine today...Peace

Day 3!

Good Afternoon to everyone!
Man today has been a great day! I barely completed my high intensity trainig this morning, but I did it! Then this morning I had:3/4 cup of wheaties
½ cup of berries
1 cup of fat free milk
1 egg
Calories= 320
Wheaties(the breakfast of champions) at least that is what the box says anyway. Heck ya I am a soon to be champion! Anyway so we packed some carrots grapes and watermelon and me and the kids went with my mom to her friends house to swim! It was so nice while we were there my mom stayed at the shallow end of the pool with the kids while I exercised in the deep end. I swam some laps, treaded water, did pullups from under the diving board. So I got an extra mini-workout and it felt really good. It brings back so many memories of growing up and how much I loved the summer. I was always in a pool and I even used to be on Prattville's Stars and Stripes swim team. So I played with the kids and showed them that their momma has still got some skills and I jumped off the diving board a couple of times. Instead of being upset and insecure about my weight today, I had the attitude that you know what next summer I will be half this size and this momma is gonna kill it in a swimming suit! I was in the shallow end of the pool holding my little girl and got so emotional watching her enjoying the water as the sun was beaming of her beautiful golden hair and her sunglistening skin, I was just thinking how thankful I am. That I had that moment and that I could share it with her. I love holding her and talking to her and watching her every little move she is so amazing and knows how to work her momma! She is only two years old but she knows what she wants and I love that. I spent some time with Micah and love the wat he enjoys life and how he embraces every single minute of everything he does. He is constantly reminding me to find the good in everything and I love that he is a snuggler. He is going to be a romantic-I know it and I love that about him! Then I spent some time with Caden, my first born, and that boy makes me melt, that boy is the shy-est? little thing. I honestly have never seen a child so shy, well let me tell you he does not get that from me! I have always been loud and outgoing. I am working on his self confidence and his self esteem. If you pay attention he is the childd who sits back and observes everyone else is doing and he thinks about it. I love that about him. I can see how God grouped my kids together and made them different, so that together they all balance out. They all have something the other needs. I beleive that Caden will be the "responsible" big brother who is constantly trying to keep his brother out of trouble and assisting him in things, and I know the two of them will do a good job of protecting their little sister, but if she turns out anything like the way she is now, she might not need no help-she could just manage her own! I love taking the time to devote to all three of them. I try and make sure that they get the equal amout of one-on-one time with me. I want my children to know that I love them all the same. I appreciate each one for their own personality and character traits. I do not favor one more than the other. I love the fact that I get to stay at home with them and share these precious moments with them. I feel so blessed to do that. Its moments like today that make me realize that my financial situation and my weight issues are not something that will last forever. Just like this time with my children will not last forever. I love how God is showing me to enjoy the uniqueness of everyone. I think it is amazing that He loves my kids more than I do! I am sad to see that summer is almost over. I plan to spend the next couple of days doing activities with the kids before school starts Monday! There is a song, I can't remember who sings it but it says,"I can see the finger prints of God when I look at you," that is what I think of when I look at them. I try not to take for granted how special it is to sing with them and read with them. I love watching their little hands fold as we start to pray, looking at those precious little fingers and I want to kiss every little one. Listening to my kids pray and talk about Jesus makes me so proud and my heart swell with pride. So my message today to everyone is enjoy the little things and cherish the moments that you have now for they will soon turn into our memories! I would apologize for being so sappy, but I'm not, becuause I love it and I meant every single word.
for snack I had a cherry larabar and 3 baby carrots and for lunch
I had Peanut Butter/Banana Sandwich and Salad
2 tbsp peanut butter or 2 tbsp almond butter 200
½ banana 50
1 piece of whole wheat toast 120
1 cup spinach 30
1 small tomato 20
1 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar 15
Calories=430
and for snack number 2:I had ¾ cup Non Fat Cottage Cheese 120
½ cup pineapple (fresh not canned) 40
8 almonds 56
Calories=216
Oh and let's see for dinner I am in the mood for:Spaghetti
¾ cup whole wheat noodles (cooked) 130
½ cup spaghetti sauce 40
4 oz leanest ground beef or 4oz lean ground turkey or 4oz chicken 150
1 cup green beans (no butter) 44
1 tsp Olive Oil 40
Calories=404
And for my last snack of the day I choose:Smoothie
1 cup fat free/no sugar greek yogurt (get this at whole foods) 120
1/2 cup frozen berries 40
8 almonds 56
½ cup fat free milk 45
Calories=260
Tonight I will be hitting up the pavement again. Thank you for all who are praying for me you don't know how much that means to me. I might be slowly changing but don't take lightly your impact-you are going to reap eternal blessings for yoor prayers my friends. For what you make happen for others God will make happen for you.

PEACE yall! Audra

Day 2!

Hey yall,
I finished out yesturday as planned and had a overall great day.
It is day 2 and today has been a doozie so far. Ok so I woke up and had my water. and had my quiet time. Then I had my breakfast:
1 piece whole wheat toast
1 tbsp peanut butter (not heaping spoonful, exact tablespoon)
3/4 cup of strawberries
3 egg whites
Calories= 315
Then I played with Hannah for a bit and then went for a 30 minute fast walk, which was supposed to be this p.m. workout but Hannah woke up and that's what I got to do. So tonight I am doing what was supposed to be my am workout which is AM-(35min) 5 min. warm up then 1 on and 1 off/ 1 min. steep incline walk followed by 1 min. recovery walk.
So while I was cleaning up and doing laundry those cravings came on again and I started to think Maybe I can't do it, and why do these people believe in me? I just had to pray and tell God how I was feeling and ask for him to give me peace strength to fight temptation. I pushed through it and kept myself busy. For snack I had ¾ Cup Cottage Cheese (Nonfat) 120
½ cup of berries or 1 small peach 50
½ tbsp almond butter or 8 almonds 56
Calories= 226
I ran some errunds with the kids and stopped by my moms, made my trip to the Water Store, and came back home. I had to get lunch ready for everybody and I had:
Turkey Wrap
Whole Wheat Tortilla- 120 calorie wrap or less
4oz turkey breast lunchmeat (low sodium if can) 120
2 teaspoons mustard 10
1/2 cup spinach 20
Tomato 15
1/4 of an avocado 55
Small apple 50
Calories=400
It is not time for my afternoon snack yet but I am sure it will be a LaraBar
I am doing okay. I just keeping pushing on and looking forward to the future I know this journey is starting by taking one day at a time and right now its one minute at a time. There are so many people counting on me and I can not let them down! I am in the mood to have the Grilled Chicken Salad
1 cup spinach 30
1 small tomato 20
¾ cup of rice or black beans 150
4 oz grilled chicken 150
1 teaspoon olive oil 50
1 tbsp Balsamic vinegar 30
Calories=430
and for my last snack of the day I will have:Smoothie
½ banana 60
1 cup fat free milk 90
1 tbsp peanut butter 100
Calories=250
I was thinking earlier that sometimes I just don't get why it is so hard to eat right and make the right choices. But that's exactly it-it's all about the choices. I have found myself being very vulnerable and open and sharing things that are private that I would have never thought I would. It is for the good of others. To give others a voice that wont speak up. To encourage others to take a stand to make a difference in their life! I want to help anybody and everybody I can but first I am getting the help I need so I can be an encouragement to others. If you are reading this and you are wanting to help someone you know who needs to lose weight and get in shape please remember not to criticize, but instead be positive and lift that person up. One thing that really hurt me was when someone had said, "well, Audra used to be a cute girl and all, well you know before she gained her weight." That scarred me, I mean it really hurt. I have forgiven the person and it doesnt matter who said bc I wouldn't tell you anyway. I do not think they meant it in a bad way but it cut me pretty deep. "They" say to forgive and forget but I don't think I can forget that, but I will use it for the good. I will use that expereince as a reminder to be careful with my words and the things I say so that I do not hurt people that way. Being overweight does not change who the person is, it just changes the outside appearance. As critical and blindsighted I have been about my own appearance I don't see others the way I see myself. I don't look at big people like me or even people bigger than me and think things about their weight or see them the way I see myself. For some reason I see them for who they are, the REAL them. If you have ever judged someone for being overweight, it's ok you can change the way you think now. Just be careful that in any situation you dont' judge because you don't know where people are coming from or what they have been through, you just dont know, you might be entertaining angels unaware. Just some thoughts....Love and Peace to everyone.

Day 1

Ok guys,
So today is day 1. I woke up this morning with a fresh excitement and ready to go! I started the morning with drinking 2 cups of water with some fresh squeezed lemon. Then I ate my breakfast this morning which was:

¾ cup of oatmeal made with purified water (Quaker raw oats)
½ cup of blueberries
1 tbsp ground flax seeds
1 whole egg + 1 egg white

Calories = 360
Then I had some water
I did my morning workout that consisted of AM-(32 min)start with 5 min.warmup then 5 min. fast walk then 3 min. incline walk (adjust speed if needed)
Then this afternoon I am going walking for 45 minutes!

That workout was tough. I mean the incline was like wow! But it was the good kind of wow. I could tell I it was working bc I could feel the burn. I kind of felt uncomfortable when the room starting filling up with men-I kind of felt some anxiety coming on...like they were judging me or wandering what I was doing there. Then I just imagined Fawn being there with me and telling me this was not about them, that this was not all about me either, it's for God's glory and His will and the greater good for the people I meant to inspire. So I bit my lip and realized that I needed to stop being so insecure. More than likely they were not looking at me in that way and I was just being paranoid, and even if they were, that's they're problem. So once I got passed that I was okay. I got done and it felt good that I did it. I had a Larabar for a snack and for Lunch I had:
my Grilled Chicken Salad option
1 cup spinach 30
1 small tomato 20
¾ cup of rice or black beans 150
4 oz grilled chicken 150
1 teaspoon olive oil 50
1 tbsp Balsamic vinegar 30
Calories=430

and then for snack right now I am having:Medium Apple 75
20 almonds 140
Calories= 215

So tonight I think I am going to try:Burger (no bun) with Sweet Pot Fries
4 oz lean ground turkey patty or lean ground beef patty 150
Mustard 10
Spinach 10
Small tomato 20
5 oz sweet potato or 5 oz sweet potato fries (bake with ½ teaspoon olive oil drizzled on and peeled) 170
1 cup green beans 50
Calories=410

And so far so good, I have noticed I am not so tired. I have not noticed a huge difference in the energy yet, but a difference none the less. I have had major cravings today. I thought about Mexico Tipico today and how I would love a chocolate donut, but I have kept strong and I keep telling myself it will be worth it. I wish I had Fawn here with me, but I know she is praying for me, thinking of me, and she is encouraging me. Most important to me is that she Believes in me, and that feeling is Amazing! Accountability is so important! I know that with the right team and with encouragement I will accomplish one small goal at a time. I am going to finish my snack and check on my little angels. Bye for now. Peace to you! Audra

My New Lifestyle Change

OK, yall. After talking to Fawn we have come to the realization that doing the green snoothie experiment is not the best option for me right now. Although I love green smoothies and still continue to have some, just in a monified amount. Fawn has come up with a complete meal plan made specifically for me, and also made a fitness plan. While losing 151 pounds by March would be a dream come true, I am reminded that in order to keep me motivated and encouraged we are setting a more realistic goal and give it a whole year! The point is to not focus of the numbers but focus on getting healthy and focusing in the journey. So I am commited to that. She is teaching and educating me on nutrition and fitness and working on the psycological and spiritual aspects as well as the physical. Like I mnetioned before, for me this is a Life Changing Experience. This is so important to me;can't help but think of my beautiful grandmother standing in heaven cheering me on. I can see her talking with God and saying,"that's my baby!" I miss her so much. She was not just my granny, but my friend. I thank God for everyday and everyday is a gift and a blessing. I look at my husband and the beautiful children that he has given me and I am so overtaken with joy and awe! I am trying my best to put those doubts out of my mind. The thoughts that say, you can't do it, and it's too hard, and maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. I have to renew my mind with the Word and meditate on those things. These are the Bible Verses that I am going to be focusing on for right now. I pray that this is encouraging to you and right now as I type this, I pray that those of you who are reading this, will be supernaturally blessed in Jesus name! I hope that you continue on with me. Peace to you and yours. Luke 1:37 (Amplified Bible)For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fullfillment!
Matthew 19:26 (Amplified Bible)
26But Jesus looked at them and said, With men this is impossible, but all things are possible with God
Isaiah 55:11 (Amplified Bible)
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
Mark 11:24 (Amplified Bible)
24For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will [get it].

A new day

I am ashamed to say that once again I have not done anything towards my goals. But I am REALLY starting tommorow! I reconnected with an old friend from High School, Fawn and she is a Lifestyle Coach/Specialist and is an amazing person! She loves health and fitness and most important, she loves helping people, and has a great heart. She is going to be my Coach and I am going to be sharing alot with her over this journey. I am encouraged and excited about the new changes that will be happening here in the next couple of weeks. I know it has been a rough start and I keep promising you that I am going to do it, but hey when it's all over and I do it, I am going to look back and say Well at least other people can look and see that they were not the only ones struggling and that no one ever "has it easy." I know it's going to be hard work, but I am willing to work it. I can see myself at 120 pounds and now i am going to work myself to 120 pounds. I said at first my goal was to lose 150 pounds by Christmas but now I am saying 151 pounds by March 26, 2011 and that is the day of the 5k Rumpshaker Colon Cancer Race. I will be in that race in memory and honor of my Granny Elsie, who died in November 2008 of colon cancer. Man I miss her more and more everyday That race will be special to me because it will symbolize two things for me.Number one:that I reached my major goal that I set for myself and two:the legacy that she left behind. Thank you God for always being there and loving me with your relentless love. It is an honor to serve such a BIG and Awesome God! May you be blessed in all I say and do.

One of these days....

Ok so I know that I am going to probably catch some flack about this but I had a big delay to my experiment. First of all, I had family come in from out of town and they cooked the whole time they were here and it was good and my will power was not that strong! I also was very anxious about my husband's court hearing and we just got finished with that ordeal, so that is some relief. I also had an emotional setback and got into that "poor me, don't care" mode. We all know that is no good and will not do anything but keep me where I am at. So with all this junk behind me I can now get ready to dive into this experiment again! I really want to do this! I CAN do it, and I'm GOING to do it! It is really sad when your own husband says you have let yourself go and you don't even care! And he was right in a sense. I had convinced myself that things weren't going to change and then took on the attitude that I didn't care what anybody thought of me. Where I am have been emotionally and mentally is not a good place to be. Sometimes you just get so diluted and clouded in your way of thinking, but that is over. No more stinkin thinkin for me. So don't give up on me yet. I really am determined to do this and I will succeed. Pray for me, for strength and power to be able to overcome, tackle, and gain victory over my temptaion. Thank you to all who support me, I love you!

Today is Sunday and my official first day of the smoothie experiment diet starts tommorow! I know I was supposed to start last week but I just made it to the store. I also wanted to wait till Monday because that will give me 25 weeks by Christmas. Then it will be the exact same time as Valerie Winters. I have been fighting thoughts like, can I really do it and "what if" ing myself crazy. I know that I NEED this and God is going to be right beside me the whole time. Iam so thankful that even though right now I hardly have any friends to help me through this I have God. I mentioned that I am also on a healing process as well. Right now I am very emotional because I am letting myself feel things that I have been regressing for years. I will not let the devil beat me like this again! He is trying to make me believe that I can't do this and putting negative thoughts in my head. He is tempting me right now, making me want sweet tea and chips. I'm so glad that God knows my end as well as my beginning and that is how he sees me. I choose whether I am going to make the right food choices and I choose whether to exercise or not-it's my choice. So I have no one to blame if I don't do it. I have never finished anything I started, but this is going to be different. I am so desperate to change, this time is different because I have given God full permission to do in me as He wants so I can be in His will. I am giving Him full access to my heart. I am fully surrendering to Him. I thought I have before, but He made me realize that I gave him everything, but the deep, dark, hurts and pains in my heart, the place that is shattered and broken, the place that no one else gets. So now it is His. I am allowing Him to mend and fix the places where only He is allowed to dwell. I am allowing Him to bring His light in the dark. I am learningto trust Him as my daddy. It is hard because in the past I have been so disappointed by my earthly father, but I know God will never hurt me and disappoint me. Let me mention again that I am not talking bad about my dad, he is a gret man. We just never had a relationship. I mean he lived with me, but we never had a real, true relationship. So bad I wanted to tell him how hurt I was and how I just needed him. I just wanted him to be there for me and listen to me and to love me, not just say he loved me but show me. I don't blame him, because I think in his heart he was doing the best he could. The devastation it caused me from the lack of a relationship with him triggered alot of bad choices in my life. I made my own choices and I take responsibility for all I have done, it's just that that is what influenced me. The feeling of never really feeling loved is hard for someone to bear. It makes you "look for love in all the wrong places." Lord knows I wish I would have just trusted Him a long time ago instead of waiting till now. It would have saved me alot of heartache, disappointment, and failures. I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances any more! So today I am saying,"Lord do in me what you have to, what is needed and necessary to make me whole again." Create in me a new heart, clean me and make my heart pure. Give me your eyes and your heart. Help me to see opportunities to bless people and to minister to them. Help me to fully trust and rely on you. I need you as my rock and my fortress so my house will not fall. Help me to fill the love you have for me. Bring to my rememberance the things I have done and forgot that I need to ask forgiveness for. Help me to treat people the way you would. Help me to be like you. I know I am made in your image, help me to be able to walk it out. Help me to align my will up with the will you have for my life. May I bring encouragement to others and may I be an inspire those that need help. Help me so that I may help others. My heart is broken but God I am trusting you! just my thoughts.

Tommorrow....tommmorow...I love ya...tommorrow-you're only a day away!

Okay so my blender is on its way to my house and is promised to be delivered today. I am going to the grocery store today to get some fresh fruits and vegetables and to get ready to srart my "experiment" tommorow. I read testimonies of people who tried this and lost tons of weight! I am also going to be exercising, which is very important! I am studying herbs and plants and their healing properties. I have been dreaming every night for over 3 years that I had done something to get started on my weight loss journey, but when morning came I would just fall back in the same routine. I am asking the Lord to show me how to do this, not my way, but His way. For Him to give me wisdom and supernatural strength to be able to tear down this terrible stronghold that the enemy has held me in. I have been in chains for far too long and I am fixing to be set free. This journey is also about emotional healing and being set free from it all-all the junk! And who God sets free is free indeed! I know that when this is all done I will be able to do so much more, my quality of life will be better. I don't tell people this out of fear of rejection or what they will think of me but I have been hiding behind my self. If that makes sense. In reality I feel totally different than I act sometimes. I will force a smile on my face and tell everyone I'm doing good and things are great, when on the inside I am broken, torn and dying inside. I was afraid to tell people that I hate being fat and because I knew I would hear,"well do something about it," or "well when you are finally ready, then you'll do it." That is terrible to hear. Or people that try to guilt you into doing right, that just made me want to go eat a big cheeseburger and cry! WHy? Because people need to be encouraged and lifted up! They need to hear, "you can do it, " and "I believe in you!" It hurt me when someone told me that "if I cared about my kids then I would lose the weight." While they are one of the main reasons I'm doing this, I didn't need to hear that. When people are not encouraging and they think they are being "tough" all they are really doing is provoking anger. It turns into anger, but you have to let it go and forgive them, because they are not trying to cause you pain, they really do want what is best for you, they just don't know how to go about it. I beleive in order to lose weight and keep it off you have to deal with the emotional and psycological aspects of being overweight as well. I mean I definately need to dig within side myself and ask why I would let myself get to 270 pounds! Because when I looked in the mirror, my vision was blurred, I guess. I mean I knew I had gained weight, but it was not until i SAW pictures I was in that I was shocked. Immediately depression started to kick in. Those feelings of can I really lose weight and is that really what I look like to other people? Oh my! How embarasing. It afftects the way I deal with people. For example I hated gatherings at church when there was food. Because I felt like people were thinking "she don't need that, what she needs is to go walk." I have a hard time looking men in the eyes, especially when they are talking to me directly. The big overwhelming sense of insecurity would take over and I thought "they think i'm so hideous and fat" and there is no way that they think I'm attractive. I never wanted another man, just trying to expalin how I felt.! I really don't care about other mens opinions of me, but I was afraid they thought I was disgusting. I guess you could say that I feel unworthy and I have for a long time. Unworthy of good relationships, unworthy of love, and unworhty of a relationship with God.(which I know is a lie, because God sees me as a finished product) I felt the need to have a BIG personality because it had to cover the fact that I was a BIG person. I would try to say things that were funny because I thought well at least they'll think I'm funny and that will give them a reason they can like me, because in my twisted sense of reality I thought there was no way they would like my "fat butt." I would always say "well you know big guh's gotta eat" and I would laugh, but on the inside I hated myself. There are so many times that I have said things that I shouldn't or that was inappropriate that I really didnt mean, but I was trying to "cover up." I also really believe that bigger people are discriminated in the work place. I overheard a man saying that the skinny girl looks like she could get more work done, while I was on an interview. So I guess he assumned that since I'm overweight I must be lazy! But all this is very soon going to be the past. I am working on seeing myself the way God sees me and coming to the place where I have peace with myself and can love myself again. I know this will take one day at a time and thank you for walking this journey with me.

Starting

Tommorow I will be getting my Vita-mix in the mail, and I can hardly wait! I will officially be starting myself on the Green Smootie Challenge. I will be eating, well I should say drinking only green smoothies for the next six months! I need this dramatic kind of change because I am wanting dramatic weight loss! I hope on my weight loss journey that I can find encouragement and be encouraging to others as well. My goal is to lose 150 ponds by Christmas!!! I need to do this for not only myself, but for my kids. They deserve a mom that can play with them and keep up with them, not a mom on the "side lines." I don't want to be the "fat" mom. I don't want my children to be embarassed of me. I want to be the kind of mom that the kids can play with and be proud of. I know this is going to be a long journey, and a hard one at that. I will probably be doing alot of crying, but I know in the end it will be worth it. I am leaning and trusting on God throughout this journey to give me courage and the strength, determination, and preserverence to go and do it. I know that He will be here with me and I know that with Him I can do it! I am so glad that on this challenge for better health, I am also challenging myself to develop a deeper intamacy with my heavenly daddy. I am learning to see myself as a daughter, and its hard when you don't have a good relationship with your earthly daddy. Don't get me wrong I love him and honor him and he is a good man, but we have never been close. I have never understood the whole daddy-daughter relationship, but I am learning. So my goals for the next year are not just weight loss, but building my relationship with my God, and being a better wife and mother to my children. I am going to have to learn to have the right relationship with food, wierd to say, but it's true! It's kind of like I have been hiding the true me in the fat me and I have been afraid to come out! So many things I have to work on, but I have the time. In all of it, I will always give God the Glory! I am nothing without Him, and with Him I am everything! Peace to all, Audra