Lonely

Hey yall!
So as of yesturday I have officially lost 11 pounds! I am completely blown away by the love and support that I have been getting, it is amazing. In a sense almost feels too good to be true. I knew that people cared about me before, but I guess in a sense I have been so numb emotionally that it is so hard to let people in. I know that right now I am so open and exposed for everyone to see and quite vulnerable, it makes me a little nervous, but I am trusting God. I have been praying for divine connections and for me to be connected with the people that God would have me to be connected to for this season in my life, it is just so hard to trust. For some reason I COMPLETELY trust my coach, otherwise I would have never started this with her. She is one of those people that you see right through-she is pure and genuine and has the biggest heart of gold.She is a modern day "Mother Teresa" I know I can completely trust her and she won't let me down. I trust Mel becuase of the same reasons, pure, genuine and good hearted-love it! Pretty much other than that I am working on tearing this wall down that I have built up. My heart wants to believe that people care and love me but my brain is like "no-you know what happens every time" Letting your guard down is so hard. My heart is so fragile and while I have given God all the broken pieces to be put back together,but I know it will take a while. My heart hurts so bad, it is an aweful feeling when people that are supposed to be close to you-don't believe in you. When you have been put down so many times and talked about. When people say that you used to be pretty-it hurt so bad. I have had "friends" talk about my weight to other people and I never told them that I knew or how it felt but it was terrible. I completely withdrew myself from them emotionally and don't really talk to them anymore. It made me feel like I am a nobody or nothing and that I wan't valuable to other people while I was fat, that is how they made me feel.Until I reached out to Fawn, I honestly felt alone and like nobody was here for me. I do not have a "bff" or anybody that is really close to me that sees the real me, bc I am afraid they would take and kill whatever was left. I love my husband, but emotionally I am a mess from our relationship. I have just never felt more alone, and dark until Fawn came into my life again. I have been giving Jesus all of me and He is working on me, especially with the trust. Mentally the past two weeks I am feeling better about going out in public-not a whole lot but the fact that I know I am working out and changing makes me hold my head up a little higher. I feel accomplished and I don't mind parking further away from the school to walk him in. I don't run out of breath anymore coming back to the car! I still have a problem with speaking to men and most women. Men are a real struggle for me, while women are more hateful and cut-throat, men make me nervous. I hate the media for that. They are always talking about celebrities that have gained 5lbs and taking pictures calling them fat and pointing out thier flaws, and trying to put these "idealistic" views of how women should look and I hate that! I have already told yall that I have tried all those diets and weight loss pills, but this time I am doing the real, natural way, which is eating a portioned, balanced diet, and exercise. In the past I would try. but quit when something came up or I just didn't think I could do it. What a big difference the support has made! When you have people behind you rooting for you and telling you can do it and they are proud-it makes you feel proud and unstoppable! I know I won't quit this time! Knowing you have peole watching you and counting on you can really keep a girl from messing up. I HAVE to do this-it's not an option. If I don't I would look like a horses butt and I would disappoint alot of people. Not to mention how embarassing it would be-since half of Prattville knows what I am doing!! I will do it though-and THANK YOU to all of you that support me. I REALLY appreciate you and LOVE you so much! If it wasn't for you, I probably would have quit by now or at least not done as good. I still am wearing my stretch pants-so I have not really noticed a difference in my clothes. I have grown to love my stretch pants bc that is pretty much what I have worn the past 4 years! When I start really packing the pounds off I am going to just borrow whatever size I am in from somebody until I reach my goal. Then my mom said she would buy me some clothes! FYI I used to always go to VS to get their bras and panties when they had sales or what not-they don't carry big guh sizes and no nursing bras-I guess they don't consider that sexy. Another disadvantage of being big is not being able to find a comfy bra to hold those huge suckers up-I hate shopping for a bra. It is terrible, they are all uncomfortbale you get discouraged and you want to go eat a pizza afterwards!! Not anymore though. So even when I do get to my goal weight and I have the money to spend I will not go to that store! I had a fun Sunday Funday yesturday I took the kids swimming and we relaxed all day. Sundays are great-they are supposed to be days of rest and relaxation and to reflect on the past week and prepare for the next one. I hope you all have a great day. I will upodate my fitness for today later this afternoon! love ya