Oh man! These past two days the cardio has been kicking my butt. I struggled yesturday to the point I had to lower the incline on the treadmill and I was just so tired and my legs felt like I had weights on the bottom of them. The walk I had that night felt really good though and I was tired but it was a good tired. I did not sleep good last night. I am experiencing things that had been making me anxious and it really affected me last night, that is what I get for not giving it to God like I needed to. I struggled through todays workout BUT I did it and then I had to go get some boxes and tape to start packing up what we are putting up in storage. So many thoughts are running through my mind like how did we get to this point and where do I go from here and why is it that I always seem to get myself in situations to where my emotions are out of control? Maybe my hormones are raging because my body thinks I am supposed to be pregnant..don't know. What I do know is that I have changed since alot of people have seen me. I am not the same person that I used to be and I hate it when people bring up your past and they say things like, well remember when you said that...or you did do...I know we have all done and said things we regret and wish we never did, so why can't people leave those things alone? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if all these things weren't going on at the same time or didn't bring up so many emotions that I stuffed down along time ago. Lately I have been feeling like the little girl who got dressed up and tried to get her dad's attention by twirling in her dress so maybe she could get some affection or attention. But the attention she gets is being told to sit down and don't get your clothes dirty, not what she wanted-the desperate affection she was wanting and waiting for. The simple words of you look pretty today or I love you. Maybe looking for the words you mean everything to me or I want you to know how special you are. So she feels shameful and embarrased that maybe she was not deserving and maybe there is something wrong with her but she don't deal with it because the pain is too much to bear so she just stuffs it down deep inside to that place in her heart that no one sees. Eventually that approval that she was so desperate to seek turns into resentment and bitterness and she still keeps stuffing those feelings deep down. She gets older and she starts dating, she falls for someone and she is so young and immature that she says things in the relationship and destroy any chances of even being friends with them, then she again feels shameful and lonely so once again she just keeps stuffing it down. She makes bad choice after bad choice and she dates any guy that will tell her he cares for her or loves her only to find herself giving her purity away to someone who couldn't possibly know the meaning of love, let alone demonstrate it to her and she is left alone, used and forgotten-those feelings get buried below all the others. She begins to really not care about herrself and she don't even care about what happens to her and all the sudden the choices she makes begin to not even effect her anymore. She goes from one bad relationship to another seeking and hoping to find what she's been looking for. She ends up getting married and having children. She is happy and feels blessed and she starts to feel again and things start to look up. Then after many disappointments she gives up, she comes to the realization that there HAS to be something wrong with her! She stuffs all that deep inside and she goes to church and she gets involved and because of her being hurt, she lashes out at people and she gossips and she says things she really don't mean-but she is so miserable and she really didn;t mean to hurt anybody, but she did. So she feels ashamed and so frusterated-how could she let herrself behave that way and say those things, so she begins to question who she is. THEN she really starts searching for God and she begins to allow Him in her heart and let Him guide and direct her. Finally there is someone who understands her pain, who gets her hurts and who has been there through it all. He lets her know that He has approved of her since the beginning and all He wants is a relationship with her. He wants to let her know that He wants to heal the places in her heart where all the buried junk is. He wants to mend the broken pieces and shape them into something beautiful. He waits on her and can't wait to hear what she has to say and loves for her to talk and sing to Him. He tells her that she is worthy and valuable and that He loves her more than she can imagine. He tells her to forgive and to love and to dance and to sing and do it unto Him. Finally I can be me! He cares to know the real me and he desires for me to be with Him. So this little girl has found her approval and is taking the time to sit in her daddy's lap and let him rock her to sleep and let Him take me by the hand and work on the issues we have to work on to be on the way to where I need to be. There comes a time when you just have to let it all go and give it to your daddy. He wants to heal you and make you whole. So if you are reading this and you are hurting I urge you to give it to Him-He is eagerly waiting on you....I love you all thank you for letting me share my heart.