Tommorrow....tommmorow...I love ya...tommorrow-you're only a day away!

Okay so my blender is on its way to my house and is promised to be delivered today. I am going to the grocery store today to get some fresh fruits and vegetables and to get ready to srart my "experiment" tommorow. I read testimonies of people who tried this and lost tons of weight! I am also going to be exercising, which is very important! I am studying herbs and plants and their healing properties. I have been dreaming every night for over 3 years that I had done something to get started on my weight loss journey, but when morning came I would just fall back in the same routine. I am asking the Lord to show me how to do this, not my way, but His way. For Him to give me wisdom and supernatural strength to be able to tear down this terrible stronghold that the enemy has held me in. I have been in chains for far too long and I am fixing to be set free. This journey is also about emotional healing and being set free from it all-all the junk! And who God sets free is free indeed! I know that when this is all done I will be able to do so much more, my quality of life will be better. I don't tell people this out of fear of rejection or what they will think of me but I have been hiding behind my self. If that makes sense. In reality I feel totally different than I act sometimes. I will force a smile on my face and tell everyone I'm doing good and things are great, when on the inside I am broken, torn and dying inside. I was afraid to tell people that I hate being fat and because I knew I would hear,"well do something about it," or "well when you are finally ready, then you'll do it." That is terrible to hear. Or people that try to guilt you into doing right, that just made me want to go eat a big cheeseburger and cry! WHy? Because people need to be encouraged and lifted up! They need to hear, "you can do it, " and "I believe in you!" It hurt me when someone told me that "if I cared about my kids then I would lose the weight." While they are one of the main reasons I'm doing this, I didn't need to hear that. When people are not encouraging and they think they are being "tough" all they are really doing is provoking anger. It turns into anger, but you have to let it go and forgive them, because they are not trying to cause you pain, they really do want what is best for you, they just don't know how to go about it. I beleive in order to lose weight and keep it off you have to deal with the emotional and psycological aspects of being overweight as well. I mean I definately need to dig within side myself and ask why I would let myself get to 270 pounds! Because when I looked in the mirror, my vision was blurred, I guess. I mean I knew I had gained weight, but it was not until i SAW pictures I was in that I was shocked. Immediately depression started to kick in. Those feelings of can I really lose weight and is that really what I look like to other people? Oh my! How embarasing. It afftects the way I deal with people. For example I hated gatherings at church when there was food. Because I felt like people were thinking "she don't need that, what she needs is to go walk." I have a hard time looking men in the eyes, especially when they are talking to me directly. The big overwhelming sense of insecurity would take over and I thought "they think i'm so hideous and fat" and there is no way that they think I'm attractive. I never wanted another man, just trying to expalin how I felt.! I really don't care about other mens opinions of me, but I was afraid they thought I was disgusting. I guess you could say that I feel unworthy and I have for a long time. Unworthy of good relationships, unworthy of love, and unworhty of a relationship with God.(which I know is a lie, because God sees me as a finished product) I felt the need to have a BIG personality because it had to cover the fact that I was a BIG person. I would try to say things that were funny because I thought well at least they'll think I'm funny and that will give them a reason they can like me, because in my twisted sense of reality I thought there was no way they would like my "fat butt." I would always say "well you know big guh's gotta eat" and I would laugh, but on the inside I hated myself. There are so many times that I have said things that I shouldn't or that was inappropriate that I really didnt mean, but I was trying to "cover up." I also really believe that bigger people are discriminated in the work place. I overheard a man saying that the skinny girl looks like she could get more work done, while I was on an interview. So I guess he assumned that since I'm overweight I must be lazy! But all this is very soon going to be the past. I am working on seeing myself the way God sees me and coming to the place where I have peace with myself and can love myself again. I know this will take one day at a time and thank you for walking this journey with me.