Today is Sunday and my official first day of the smoothie experiment diet starts tommorow! I know I was supposed to start last week but I just made it to the store. I also wanted to wait till Monday because that will give me 25 weeks by Christmas. Then it will be the exact same time as Valerie Winters. I have been fighting thoughts like, can I really do it and "what if" ing myself crazy. I know that I NEED this and God is going to be right beside me the whole time. Iam so thankful that even though right now I hardly have any friends to help me through this I have God. I mentioned that I am also on a healing process as well. Right now I am very emotional because I am letting myself feel things that I have been regressing for years. I will not let the devil beat me like this again! He is trying to make me believe that I can't do this and putting negative thoughts in my head. He is tempting me right now, making me want sweet tea and chips. I'm so glad that God knows my end as well as my beginning and that is how he sees me. I choose whether I am going to make the right food choices and I choose whether to exercise or not-it's my choice. So I have no one to blame if I don't do it. I have never finished anything I started, but this is going to be different. I am so desperate to change, this time is different because I have given God full permission to do in me as He wants so I can be in His will. I am giving Him full access to my heart. I am fully surrendering to Him. I thought I have before, but He made me realize that I gave him everything, but the deep, dark, hurts and pains in my heart, the place that is shattered and broken, the place that no one else gets. So now it is His. I am allowing Him to mend and fix the places where only He is allowed to dwell. I am allowing Him to bring His light in the dark. I am learningto trust Him as my daddy. It is hard because in the past I have been so disappointed by my earthly father, but I know God will never hurt me and disappoint me. Let me mention again that I am not talking bad about my dad, he is a gret man. We just never had a relationship. I mean he lived with me, but we never had a real, true relationship. So bad I wanted to tell him how hurt I was and how I just needed him. I just wanted him to be there for me and listen to me and to love me, not just say he loved me but show me. I don't blame him, because I think in his heart he was doing the best he could. The devastation it caused me from the lack of a relationship with him triggered alot of bad choices in my life. I made my own choices and I take responsibility for all I have done, it's just that that is what influenced me. The feeling of never really feeling loved is hard for someone to bear. It makes you "look for love in all the wrong places." Lord knows I wish I would have just trusted Him a long time ago instead of waiting till now. It would have saved me alot of heartache, disappointment, and failures. I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances any more! So today I am saying,"Lord do in me what you have to, what is needed and necessary to make me whole again." Create in me a new heart, clean me and make my heart pure. Give me your eyes and your heart. Help me to see opportunities to bless people and to minister to them. Help me to fully trust and rely on you. I need you as my rock and my fortress so my house will not fall. Help me to fill the love you have for me. Bring to my rememberance the things I have done and forgot that I need to ask forgiveness for. Help me to treat people the way you would. Help me to be like you. I know I am made in your image, help me to be able to walk it out. Help me to align my will up with the will you have for my life. May I bring encouragement to others and may I be an inspire those that need help. Help me so that I may help others. My heart is broken but God I am trusting you! just my thoughts.