Thursday 8-19

Ok let me start off by saying that yesturdays workout made me want to go to the spa and hide there for days to get pampered! I could barely get through my routine, I did it but I thought I was going to fall over! It felt like someone had tied weights to my legs and I was making them move, but it took everything I had to get done. Then I went in the sauna and sat in there for about 10 minutes...I know it;s crazy hot this summer and I don't need a sauna bc all I have to do is go outside and start pouring, but it feels good and sweating is how some toxins exit the body. Then later I went swimming and swam laps. Tonights walk felt really good when I was done. Peace to all

Oh man! These past two days the cardio has been kicking my butt. I struggled yesturday to the point I had to lower the incline on the treadmill and I was just so tired and my legs felt like I had weights on the bottom of them. The walk I had that night felt really good though and I was tired but it was a good tired. I did not sleep good last night. I am experiencing things that had been making me anxious and it really affected me last night, that is what I get for not giving it to God like I needed to. I struggled through todays workout BUT I did it and then I had to go get some boxes and tape to start packing up what we are putting up in storage. So many thoughts are running through my mind like how did we get to this point and where do I go from here and why is it that I always seem to get myself in situations to where my emotions are out of control? Maybe my hormones are raging because my body thinks I am supposed to be pregnant..don't know. What I do know is that I have changed since alot of people have seen me. I am not the same person that I used to be and I hate it when people bring up your past and they say things like, well remember when you said that...or you did do...I know we have all done and said things we regret and wish we never did, so why can't people leave those things alone? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if all these things weren't going on at the same time or didn't bring up so many emotions that I stuffed down along time ago. Lately I have been feeling like the little girl who got dressed up and tried to get her dad's attention by twirling in her dress so maybe she could get some affection or attention. But the attention she gets is being told to sit down and don't get your clothes dirty, not what she wanted-the desperate affection she was wanting and waiting for. The simple words of you look pretty today or I love you. Maybe looking for the words you mean everything to me or I want you to know how special you are. So she feels shameful and embarrased that maybe she was not deserving and maybe there is something wrong with her but she don't deal with it because the pain is too much to bear so she just stuffs it down deep inside to that place in her heart that no one sees. Eventually that approval that she was so desperate to seek turns into resentment and bitterness and she still keeps stuffing those feelings deep down. She gets older and she starts dating, she falls for someone and she is so young and immature that she says things in the relationship and destroy any chances of even being friends with them, then she again feels shameful and lonely so once again she just keeps stuffing it down. She makes bad choice after bad choice and she dates any guy that will tell her he cares for her or loves her only to find herself giving her purity away to someone who couldn't possibly know the meaning of love, let alone demonstrate it to her and she is left alone, used and forgotten-those feelings get buried below all the others. She begins to really not care about herrself and she don't even care about what happens to her and all the sudden the choices she makes begin to not even effect her anymore. She goes from one bad relationship to another seeking and hoping to find what she's been looking for. She ends up getting married and having children. She is happy and feels blessed and she starts to feel again and things start to look up. Then after many disappointments she gives up, she comes to the realization that there HAS to be something wrong with her! She stuffs all that deep inside and she goes to church and she gets involved and because of her being hurt, she lashes out at people and she gossips and she says things she really don't mean-but she is so miserable and she really didn;t mean to hurt anybody, but she did. So she feels ashamed and so frusterated-how could she let herrself behave that way and say those things, so she begins to question who she is. THEN she really starts searching for God and she begins to allow Him in her heart and let Him guide and direct her. Finally there is someone who understands her pain, who gets her hurts and who has been there through it all. He lets her know that He has approved of her since the beginning and all He wants is a relationship with her. He wants to let her know that He wants to heal the places in her heart where all the buried junk is. He wants to mend the broken pieces and shape them into something beautiful. He waits on her and can't wait to hear what she has to say and loves for her to talk and sing to Him. He tells her that she is worthy and valuable and that He loves her more than she can imagine. He tells her to forgive and to love and to dance and to sing and do it unto Him. Finally I can be me! He cares to know the real me and he desires for me to be with Him. So this little girl has found her approval and is taking the time to sit in her daddy's lap and let him rock her to sleep and let Him take me by the hand and work on the issues we have to work on to be on the way to where I need to be. There comes a time when you just have to let it all go and give it to your daddy. He wants to heal you and make you whole. So if you are reading this and you are hurting I urge you to give it to Him-He is eagerly waiting on you....I love you all thank you for letting me share my heart.

Lonely

Hey yall!
So as of yesturday I have officially lost 11 pounds! I am completely blown away by the love and support that I have been getting, it is amazing. In a sense almost feels too good to be true. I knew that people cared about me before, but I guess in a sense I have been so numb emotionally that it is so hard to let people in. I know that right now I am so open and exposed for everyone to see and quite vulnerable, it makes me a little nervous, but I am trusting God. I have been praying for divine connections and for me to be connected with the people that God would have me to be connected to for this season in my life, it is just so hard to trust. For some reason I COMPLETELY trust my coach, otherwise I would have never started this with her. She is one of those people that you see right through-she is pure and genuine and has the biggest heart of gold.She is a modern day "Mother Teresa" I know I can completely trust her and she won't let me down. I trust Mel becuase of the same reasons, pure, genuine and good hearted-love it! Pretty much other than that I am working on tearing this wall down that I have built up. My heart wants to believe that people care and love me but my brain is like "no-you know what happens every time" Letting your guard down is so hard. My heart is so fragile and while I have given God all the broken pieces to be put back together,but I know it will take a while. My heart hurts so bad, it is an aweful feeling when people that are supposed to be close to you-don't believe in you. When you have been put down so many times and talked about. When people say that you used to be pretty-it hurt so bad. I have had "friends" talk about my weight to other people and I never told them that I knew or how it felt but it was terrible. I completely withdrew myself from them emotionally and don't really talk to them anymore. It made me feel like I am a nobody or nothing and that I wan't valuable to other people while I was fat, that is how they made me feel.Until I reached out to Fawn, I honestly felt alone and like nobody was here for me. I do not have a "bff" or anybody that is really close to me that sees the real me, bc I am afraid they would take and kill whatever was left. I love my husband, but emotionally I am a mess from our relationship. I have just never felt more alone, and dark until Fawn came into my life again. I have been giving Jesus all of me and He is working on me, especially with the trust. Mentally the past two weeks I am feeling better about going out in public-not a whole lot but the fact that I know I am working out and changing makes me hold my head up a little higher. I feel accomplished and I don't mind parking further away from the school to walk him in. I don't run out of breath anymore coming back to the car! I still have a problem with speaking to men and most women. Men are a real struggle for me, while women are more hateful and cut-throat, men make me nervous. I hate the media for that. They are always talking about celebrities that have gained 5lbs and taking pictures calling them fat and pointing out thier flaws, and trying to put these "idealistic" views of how women should look and I hate that! I have already told yall that I have tried all those diets and weight loss pills, but this time I am doing the real, natural way, which is eating a portioned, balanced diet, and exercise. In the past I would try. but quit when something came up or I just didn't think I could do it. What a big difference the support has made! When you have people behind you rooting for you and telling you can do it and they are proud-it makes you feel proud and unstoppable! I know I won't quit this time! Knowing you have peole watching you and counting on you can really keep a girl from messing up. I HAVE to do this-it's not an option. If I don't I would look like a horses butt and I would disappoint alot of people. Not to mention how embarassing it would be-since half of Prattville knows what I am doing!! I will do it though-and THANK YOU to all of you that support me. I REALLY appreciate you and LOVE you so much! If it wasn't for you, I probably would have quit by now or at least not done as good. I still am wearing my stretch pants-so I have not really noticed a difference in my clothes. I have grown to love my stretch pants bc that is pretty much what I have worn the past 4 years! When I start really packing the pounds off I am going to just borrow whatever size I am in from somebody until I reach my goal. Then my mom said she would buy me some clothes! FYI I used to always go to VS to get their bras and panties when they had sales or what not-they don't carry big guh sizes and no nursing bras-I guess they don't consider that sexy. Another disadvantage of being big is not being able to find a comfy bra to hold those huge suckers up-I hate shopping for a bra. It is terrible, they are all uncomfortbale you get discouraged and you want to go eat a pizza afterwards!! Not anymore though. So even when I do get to my goal weight and I have the money to spend I will not go to that store! I had a fun Sunday Funday yesturday I took the kids swimming and we relaxed all day. Sundays are great-they are supposed to be days of rest and relaxation and to reflect on the past week and prepare for the next one. I hope you all have a great day. I will upodate my fitness for today later this afternoon! love ya

I know that you are for me!

What got me here? D-E-N-I-A-L! Denial is what got me to 270 pounds and size 22 britches. I needed a wake up call; I needed someone to rattle me for me to realize that just because I chose to bury my emotions with food they would still there-unresolved, and more complicated because of the effects of the emotional eating on top of everything else. Festering emotions and stress due to unresolved conflict are often the root of weight issues. It is sad, but the food acts as a temporary buffer between you and your emotions. It numbs the feelings.I have always had this emotion dependancy on food, even as a child-it just didn't effect my weight until my senior year Whether the emotions still exist or not once you've grown up, the habits of emotional eating remain. So it is learning how to break the cycle and focusing in your mindset. It's about renewing your mind with what God says about you. He said I am fearfully and wonderfully made and He loves me and has a plan and a purpose for me and knew me before I was in my mother's womb! If he cares so much about the flowers and the animals-how much more is his love for us! I love the song by Kari Jobe-I know that you are for me. It is amazing-and so true. Listen to it and you will see. I will be back later to blog about my fitness....Later A

Woke up this morning to barking dogs and couldn't go back to sleep, so I went on ahead to go for a walk. I have already mapped out the neighborhood with the car so I would know how far I had gone, and today I went 3 miles.It was difficult and the way I mapped it out I have to climb uphill twice and honestly I didn't know if I would make it today, but I had to. It was either sit there or walk back home. The hill was so hard for me, my thighs were burning and tightening and I had to just keep telling myself that I will feel great when I actually get done. It makes it a little easier to workout when I use my mp3 player. I downloaded upbeat workout music on there and for some reason the music helps. Today my am workout will be the treadmill 1 minute incline then 1 minute recovery and keep doing that for about asn hour. FYI:the warmup and the cooldowns are important and are vital to making sure you have an effective workout. I also have been making sure to stretch before AND after. I also make sure to take my 64oz. water bottle and drink plenty while I workout. It really helps alot. I can tell a difference. It is nice to workout at the y becuase you can watch tv and it makes it easier to let the time fly while you're ]watching t.v. This morning I had
¾ cup of oatmeal made with water (Quaker raw oats)
½ cup of berries
1 tbsp ground flax seeds 80
1 whole egg + 1 egg white

Calories = 360
This breakfast seems to perk me up a little bit. I donlt know if it's because of the egg and the oatmeal mixed together or not but I am all for it. I also find it very helpful to eat before I do the am workout about 45 minutes to an hr before I go. Then about an hour after my workout I eat a snack and I think I can feel a difference in my body as far as the way I feel for the rest of the day. The more you workout and eat the right foods at the right time and stay hydrated the better your days feel-you will be tired from your workouts but its a GOOD tired. I also love lemon and have been squeezing it in my water without stevia and it gives it a fresh taste. I am trying to not use any table salt an instead I am using spices and lemons and limes and herbs to flavor my food. Another helpful hint: Green leafy vegetables are extremely low in calories and are RICH in vitamins and mineral and that is a plus! Some fruits and vegetables low calorie content make them easy to put in your diet and easier to lose weight. I know it's friday and everybody will be going out-so have fun and be careful out there. Drive safe-and remember if you choose to drink, do not drive! I wish everybody a great weekend!

Bike Workout

So this morning I was so wore out. I did not get a full nights sleep and I walked 3 miles early this morning. Then later I got my bike on! This is what I am doing on the bike for my workout. I start with 5 minutes on easy at about level 2 then I go 2 minutes on level 4 and 3 minutes on level 5 so then I do:
10 seconds hard
60 seconds recover
15 seconds hard
60 seconds recover
20 seconds hard
60 seconds recover
20 seconds hard

and then I do 15 minutes on about 3.
Today in the beginnig I couldn't do it at 4 for 3 minutes...I had to do it at 2 and 3. I think its from feeling bad yesturday but to make up for it it is going to be a walk-run combo tonight...pray for me please!

Peace, Audra

live and learn and don't buy spanx!

oK I am juat wandering what in the world was I thinking when I bought some Spanx from Lane Bryant. I bought them a couple months back to wear for interviews and church. Good lawd, I put them on today but me and the spanx were fighting. Ok first of all they DO NOT work I mean I am no idiot i didn't expext them to make me look skinny when I bought them, but good grief just being able to zip my pants would have been nice and I would have been hitting the mark. Second they are not worth the trouble! It is worse than when you are trying to fit in a pair of pants and you lay on the bed squirming around like a fish out of water tring to squeeze them on, I mean seriously, by the time I got the dang things on this morning I was exhausted! So my advise is do not buy them, dang marketing companies I am sure you sit back enjoying your profits and getting your jollies from making fat girls look silly. OK so now that I am done with my rant on that...yesturday I felt like poo and was sickly so I didn't eat I just drank water all day and I had NO ENERGY-bummer. Today is a new day and I am sure the energy will return! I did go for a 3 mile walk EARLY this morning, but I have to step it up and I will be doing my bike workout later in the morning and tonight I think instead of doing a 45 minute fast walk I will attempt to go an hour and 15 minutes! I will definately let you know what I did and how it went.In my quiet time this morning I was reading about Peter and Jesus when Jesus walked on water. As he was approaching the boat where the disciples were, they were asking what is that and then they realized it was Him. Peter asked him Lord if it's really you tell me to come out on the water. SO Jesus told Him to come and he was walking on water UNTIL he took his focus off JEsus and paid attention to the wind blowing. That is so true for us today! Satans plans are to bring distrations to take our focus off of Jesus and onto our problems. Stand up and speak to your storm-Tell your storm who your God is! Stay focused on Him. Love you all, Audra